Do you know what "nemesis" means? A righteous infliction of retribution manifested by
an appropriate agent. Personified in this case by an 'orrible c*nt... me.
The movie begins with Turkish (Jason Statham) and Tommy (Stephen Graham) in a room with an unknown man while Turkish narrates about what happened before. We then cut back a week ago to a robbery in Antwerp by four men who steal a valuable 86 carat diamond. One of the robbers named Franky "Four-Fingers" (Benicio del Toro) is supposed to take the "stone" to London and one of the Russians he robbed the bank with tells him when he gets to London he can get a gun from Boris the Blade (Rade Serbedzija). We then cut to London where Turkish and Tommy, who work in the world of unlicensed boxing matches, are preparing their fighter, Gorgeous George (Adam Fogerty) for his bout in two days. Turkish thinks his caravan is not a good place to run his business since it's in poor condition and sends Tommy, his cowardly, dim-witted accomplice, to go buy a new one. Turkish then notices Tommy has a gun in his trousers and he tells him that he bought it from Boris the Blade. Turkish than explains to us that protection is needed for the situation that they're in now, for they're dealing with the leader of the unlicensed boxing world, Brick Top (Alan Ford). Brick Top is a dangerous crime lord in London who kills people who displease him, and then feeds them to pigs. He's counting on Turkish to win this fight, which means they cannot let him down.
We then cut back to Antwerp where the Russian who robbed the bank with Franky Four-Fingers is calling Boris the Blade in London. He tells Boris that he sent Franky to him to buy a gun, and it is then revealed that they want the stone, but they don't want the Americans to know it was them, so Boris says he'll get some other guys to steal the stone and then he'll get it from them. We then cut to New York, where Abraham "Cousin Avi" Denovitz (Dennis Farina) is called by Franky that he got the stone. Avi tells Franky to visit his cousin in London, Doug the Head (Mike Reid), an expert on stolen stones and Jewish poser, so that they can sell the stone for what it's worth. Avi also tells Franky to stay away from anything that has to do with gambling. Franky then visits Boris to buy a gun. Boris offers him a gun, if he places down a bet for an unlicensed boxing match at a bookies in Boris' name. We then cut to Tommy and Gorgeous George driving at the campsite where Turkish wants them to buy his new caravan. This campsite is owned by Irish gypsies called "Pikeys", who are hard to understand. Tommy and Gorgeous buy a caravan off of the main leader of that camp, Mickey O'Neil (Brad Pitt). When Tommy and Gorgeous are about to leave, the wheels from the caravan break off. Tommy asks for a refund but Mickey refuses, which angers Gorgeous and Mickey then challenges him to a fight. At first, Gorgeous seems to be winning, but then Mickey knocks him out with one punch, breaking Gorgeous' neck and jaw but not killing him.
We then cut to Sol (Lennie James) and his brother Vinny (Robbie Gee), who has just bought a dog from the Pikeys, much to Sol's protest, at their diamond shop. They are then greeted by Boris, who offers them $50,000 to hold up the bookies he sent Franky to. We then see Franky showing Doug the diamond as he tells Doug he has to go to the bookies to place the bet before he can sell the diamond. Then we see Sol, Vinny and their obese getaway driver, Tyrone (Ade) getting ready to rob the bookies. They are ordered by Boris to rob the bookies when a man with four fingers and a briefcase (Franky) enters it. They are then supposed to capture the four-fingered man and Boris gets what's in the case (the diamond), while they get the $50,000 in the bookies. But, as they get to the bookies, Tyrone backs the car into Frankie's van while he's in the van, which knocks him out. Meanwhile, Turkish and Tommy are left without a fighter for the match, but after much thinking, they decide to switch fighters. They decide to use Mickey. They go to see Mickey and he says he'll do it, just as long as they buy his Mom a new caravan. They agree to this and go to see Brick Top. They both tell Brick Top that they lost Gorgeous George but are switching with Mickey. Brick Top is furious about this and tells them they can't change fighters so late, and now Mickey has to go down in the 4th round and if he doesn't Brick Top will be seen as a cheater and he will then feed them to the pigs.
Avi is then seen on a phone call with Doug, asking where Franky is. Doug tells him he went to bet on the fight, which angers Avi and he then goes to London to look for Franky with Doug's help. Back at the bookies, Sol sees a man with a briefcase go in, but didn't see how many fingers he had. He and Vinny then go to rob the bookies while Tyrone stays in the car. As Sol and Vinny hold up the bookies, the accountant tells them that all bets are off, which means there's barely any money left. While Sol takes the money and finds out that the man they were after has five fingers, the accountant grabs her gun and turns on the security lock. While Sol and Vinny try to escape, they take off their masks when a security camera is on. Tyrone, then opens the locked door from the outside and they all escape. (This scene was inspired by an actual case, in which a bank robber, fearing getting trapped, failed to realize that the front door could only be opened from the outside, later noticing it when an old lady entered the bank.) As they're about to leave, Franky wakes up and gets out of the van. Tyrone notices he has four fingers and a briefcase and then knocks Franky out and they take him with them. We then cut to the boxing match. Turkish tells Mickey to go down in the 4th round as Brick Top ordered. Mickey seems to comply but in the match he knocks the other opponent out with one punch. Brick Top then leaves in embarrassment.
We cut back to Sol, Vinny and Tyrone who have Franky tied up with bag over his head in their shop. Boris then enters and tries to make the exchange but Sol and Vinny are angry that there was little money in the bookies and demand half of the diamond in the case. Boris then shoots Franky in the head, in fear that he would tell anyone that Boris was involved and then chops his arm off to get the attached suitcase off and then tells Sol, Vinny and Tyrone that if he sees them again, he'll kill him. He then leaves Franky's body with them. Back at Turkish's place, he devises a plan to get out of the country when Brick Top and his henchmen interrupt him. He tells Turkish that he wants Mickey to fight again but he really wants him to go down in the 4th this time. He then takes everything from Turkish's safe as punishment and tells his henchmen to find the people who robbed his bookies. Turkish and Tommy then revisit the Pikey's campsite to find Mickey. They then make a bet with Mickey in a game where they release two dogs on a rabbit. If the rabbit gets away Turkish and Tommy have to get Mickey's mom a new caravan, but if the rabbit gets killed, Mickey will do the fight for free. At the same time this is happening, Brick Top's henchmen recognize Tyrone in the security tape at the bookies when Sol and Vinnie held it up, and they then chase Tyrone down, bring him to Brick Top's place and sick dogs on him to make him tell who robbed his bookies, which he does. Turkish and Tommy lose the bet as the rabbit gets away. On their way back, Tommy figures out that the gun Boris gave him does not work.
Meanwhile, Sol and Vinny get a friend of theirs to try and get rid of Franky's body. While they're lifting the body, Brick Top comes in and starts to give them advice on how to get rid of bodies by feeding them to pigs. Brick Top then leads them to a room lined with plastic and body bags and henchmen with knifes. They have Tyrone in a body bag, still alive, and are about to put them in the bags as well. The scene then cuts to Avi still trying to find Franky. Doug suggests they use a bounty hunter by the name of Bullet-Tooth Tony (Vinnie Jones), who survived being shot in the chest six times in one sitting. Brick Top puts Sol and Vinny and the bags as well and is about to have them cut, when Sol says he can get him the diamond. Brick Top gives them two days to find it and bring it to him. We then cut to Bullet-Tooth Tony introducing himself to Avi as Avi tells him to help find Franky. Tony then drives Avi to a guy that Tony knows, Mullet, to get information. Tony sticks Mullet's head in the car window and shuts it on his head and then proceeds to drive. Mullet then tells Tony that Sol and Vinny robbed the bookies that Franky was going to and took off with him. Tony and Avi then go to Sol and Vinny's shop and holds them at gunpoint when they find out Franky's dead and the diamond was taken. Sol then tells them that Boris took it. Meanwhile, Turkish tells Brick Top that Mickey won't fight unless they buy his caravan which they can't do since he took all their money. As punishment, Brick Top sends his henchmen over to Turkish's place to smash his arcades and burns down Mickey's mom's caravan while she's asleep in it. Turkish fights off the henchmen but gets beaten. Tommy then holds the thugs at gunpoint while he and Turkish escape.
The next day, Turkish and Tommy visit Mickey and he says he'll do the fight. Meanwhile, Sol and Vinny send Tyrone to Boris's place and tell him to call them as soon as he sees him. Back at Doug's place, Avi and Tony devise a way to find Boris, when they realize he's in the shop. Tony and Avi succeed in capturing Boris while Avi's bodyguard, Rosebud, is wounded. They get Boris to tell them the diamond is in the briefcase. The scene then cuts to Sol and Vinny with replica guns to use to threaten Boris, when they get a call from Tyrone about the whereabouts of Boris. A series of chain events than occurs: while Turkish and Tommy are on their way back, Tony and Avi are right behind them, while Sol, Vinny and Tyrone follow them to get the stone. Tommy starts lecturing Turkish that he should stop drinking the milk he's been drinking throughout the film and then throws it out the car window. Tony and Avi start devising a way to kill Boris, when the milk hits the front car window, causing them to crash and Boris escapes. Vinny asks Sol if the replicas work to which Sol fires it in the car, distracting Tyrone and causing him to hit Boris. Tony and Avi leave the scene, while Rosebud was impaled with a sword that he was holding when they crashed and proceed to head to a bar to get cleaned up.
Sol, Vinny and Tyrone head into the bar to steal the diamond. Avi goes into the bathroom to get cleaned up while Tony orders a drink. Sol and Vinny hold Tony at gunpoint and demand that he hand over the diamond. Tony then gives a monologue about how they thought they were in control but they're not, because he notices their guns say "replica" on the side and his guns is a desert eagle .50. Sol, Vinny and Tyrone start leaving when Avi comes out of the bathroom with the case and they demand that he hand it over. All of a sudden, Boris bursts through the door with a huge gun he got from his shop and also demands the diamond. Tony hears the commotion and proceeds to shoot through the wall while telling Avi to duck. Avi, Sol and Vinny all duck, while Boris and Tyrone are hit. Sol and Vinny take off with the case and Tony demands Tyrone to tell him where they went. Boris then picks up his gun and is about to shoot when Tony comically shoots Boris repeatedly until he finally shoots him in the head. He's about to finish off Tyrone too, but his clip runs out, calling him lucky and taking off with Avi. Sol and Vinny then proceed to Brick Top's place while leaving the dog at the shop. When they get there, Tony pulls them over and demands to be taken to the diamond, while Vinny hides it in his pants.
Back at Turkish's caravan, he, Tommy, and Gorgeous (whose jaw is in a brace) discuss the consequences of what will happen after the fight. Tommy is afraid that Mickey will knock the opponent out, while Turkish is worried about Mickey even making it to the final round, since after Mickey's mom's funeral, they all get drunk. Back at Sol and Vinny's shop, they find that the dog wrecked it. Tony demands the diamond, and Vinny says that the dog must have eaten it. Avi tells Tony to "open" the dog. After hearing this, Vinny gives them the diamond. While Avi's examining the diamond, the dog eats it, catching Avi off guard and causing him to fire his gun wildly at the dog. The dog escapes and when Avi tries to run after it, he realizes that he accidentally shot and killed Tony. Avi then heads back to New York. The next day, Mickey has a hangover from last night but still does the fight. Brick Top places his henchmen outside in vans with guns ordering them to kill Turkish and the rest if the fight doesn't go as planned. After the brutal fight, Mickey finally makes it to the 4th round, but when he looks like he's down he gets back up and knocks the opponent out with one punch. Turkish, Tommy and Mickey make it out of the building, but Brick Top sees them and tells one of thugs in the van to give him a gun. We then hear a gunshot and see Turkish and Tommy flinch, but then the scene rewinds back to the fight. Before the fight, Mickey bets on himself, and then during the fight, many Pikeys with guns killed all of Brick Top's henchmen and when Brick Top asked for the gun, the Pikey from the van shot him and killed him. Mickey and the rest of the Pikeys then take off.
The next day, the Pikeys are revealed to have left their campsite. While Turkish and Tommy are at where the Pikeys originally were, the cops show up and question them. Vinny's dog then shows up, and they claim they were taking it for a walk. The cops let them go, and they both drive by Sol and Vinny who are also being questioned as to why they have Franky's body in their trunk. We then cut back to the beginning of the film where Turkish and Tommy are in a room with an unknown man who is revealed to be Doug the Head. They ask him if he knows anyone who'd be interested in this diamond. Doug then calls up Avi, and he then heads back to London.
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